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two two-twoonie tuesdays later, a review on A Nightmare On Elm St. (Spoilers? Yeah. We got spoilers.)

May 11th, 2010 | Comments Off | Posted in Uncategorized

There’s a moment about 15 minutes into A Nightmare on Elm Street when Chris, a distressed girl who witnessed her friend Dean slit his own throat in the Springwood Diner, drives up onto her street–the camera follows her 2009 VW Bug across the frame and rests, softly, on the street sign that says “Elm St.” I thought, “Oh yeah,” and realized that in the original Nightmare this shot was done a little bit sooner, a little bit earlier, to give relevance to the film’s title.

This maligned Michael Bay-helmed reboot of the 80′s horror classic didn’t need this shot. We never needed to have the characters explicitly mentioned as living on Elm Street because, right from the get go, if they’re being haunted in their dreams, if they’re being stalked by a diachromatic-sweater-wearing murderer, they’re on Elm Street. This is now an inescapable fact of the Hollywood film universe, and this remake has the massive shadow of a Wes Craven horror classic propelling it from the moment you buy your ticket. Lets face it, if people are anything like me, they want to see if Michael Bay helped fuck up this franchise as bad as he did Friday the 13th.

Reviews are in that this film is not scary. In fact, the almost exact-reproduction of the original film’s sequencing is reported as being “not enough” to justify this as a horror. And hell yeah, it’s not that scary. There are great jumpy moments. I jumped quite a few times and delighted in the sparse and well-used violence. This is, across the board, the reason that this film is failing at the box office. Because these kids are merely residents of Elm Street by name, they don’t have the true horror of Robert Englund’s Freddy Krueger stalking their dreams.

But let’s take a step back and critique this movie on its own merits. Unlike the Friday remake, it is not a torture-porn fiasco. There is more jumpiness than goreyness and there are no breasts to make this an exploitationfest. Jackie Earle Haley is no Robert Englund, but his face doesn’t look like something you can buy in a Value Village around Halloween time. The sound mixing on his voice made him an ever-present sonic force coming somewhere from the back of the theatre, a use of dream-sound I haven’t seen since The Science of Sleep, and I think even Michel Gondry would revel in the use of dream-weirdness. A carpet that seamlessly transforms into a narrow river of thick, deep blood? A kitchen where pots and pots of pigs hooves are boiling to the point of flame?  Wonderful.

The closeness I felt to each of these useless, hopeless teens was amplified, I think, by the fact that this movie is not about the promiscuity-morality play that stalks the margins of the slasher films of the eighties. This film does not open with a girl sleeping in her bed, immediately a sexual object for the camera. It opens with a guy, dozing off in a diner. He is our first face and our first identification.When he offs himself we walk with the witness of his death, Chris, who is left to doze in and out of classes at school and remain convincingly haunted throughout her days. This girl is the remake of Tina from the first movie, who has her boyfriend for a sleepover and is lifted to the air in her dreams and slashed high above her bed, cutting her shirt and showing her breasts. However the 2010 character’s EX-boyfriend comes into her window uninvited. She sleeps with him for comfort, but doesn’t engage in anything more than spooning and when she’s killed in the same way, she is tossed, violently and clunkingly about the room, and is left clothed, breasts concealed.

Then we follow her ex, who is convicted of the murder and put in jail. Cross-cutting starts between him and two others who are haunted similarly, trying to stay awake while reading the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Like everyone else, the guy in jail is killed, and the narrative switches for the last time to the two in the book store. This shifting from helpless loser to hapless teen keeps you from getting too attached, but also serves to make you into the only spectator that matters: you start identifying with the constant, and start rooting for Freddy.

This is where the big difference of the film happens. Nancy, our final female protagonist, learns from her mother that all of these kids that are dying went to the same pre-school, where a gardener named Fred Krueger sexually assaulted them–the dreams are repressed memories coming to life. BIG difference from 1984′s “child-murderer” Fred Krueger. In the 1984 film, the child-murderer Krueger was burned alive by the old townsfolk and is now exacting revenge on its new inhabitants. In this incarnation, however, the child-molester Krueger is burned alive by angry parents and acts as though he did nothing. He weeps as they trap him inside a warehouse and kill him, “What is it that you think I did?” One of the kids even says “We would have said anything! You believed us and now you’ve killed him.”

So Krueger’s innocence is implied. The film stays interesting right through this whole moment, because we’re trying to figure out what it is Krueger wants from the children. One other victim says on a videoblog that, in his dreams, he was being led to a basement of a pre-school, because thats where the man wants him to see something. Of course, our two protagonists make a day-trip to figure out what it is. It is implied that this is the “secret cave” that the children were led to, and, maybe, were lying about. Maybe Freddie just wants retribution. Proof. I’m on the edge of my seat.

Where this movie really soared for me was this secret cave. A hidden room in the basement of the old school that I did not know what to expect of. And when they get there, hoping to find some clues, they find pictures. Of Nancy. And the quote: “He led us here to remind us what he did to us.” It is in this moment that the film becomes a dark, horrifying experience. We’re left to identify only with Krueger, who may just have a typical movie-monster vengeance, and instead we find ourselves with nothing to hold on to, in the middle of a paedophile’s dark hideout, disgusted that we thought of him as anything more than a monster.

From here, the director has no qualms about demonstrating Krueger’s perversion, including a scene where Nancy is in the dress she wore as a child. The film doesn’t cross any lines visually but Haley’s delivery of his few lines are nothing short of disgusting, and yes, effective. A horrifying portrayal of a child abuser and the prevalence of abuse in the victim’s lives well into adulthood.

The film is not just about a soft “child-murderer,” but goes right ahead and says what he was. You could read that Englund’s Krueger was always this type of pederast, but the 2010 film has the precedent and the balls to talk about it. At the end, after Nancy lights Krueger and the school of her past on fire, a flock of civil servants are there to put out the fire and take care of things, implying the kind of societal cover-up and silence typical of a child-abuse narrative.

It’s pretty hot topic to talk about abused children and the smudged polaroids sitting in the basement of some long-forgotten school, and I don’t award any points to Bay for helping this happen. But there is no way to make A Nightmare on Elm Street frightening anymore. It’s been done and seen to death, and the tropes visible in the first film are non-threatening now. However, there is a way to make the film more disturbing, and they’ve done it. We’ve seen slasher films to death. The release that comes from seeing the monster killed at the end, and the horror that sinks into us as we leave the theatre because he’s still alive, these are old, boring emotions. On top of this, we’ve talked violence to death. As a culture, we seem to even be okay with it. A man going about killing people is not a threat. The real threat, the real man we want to see killed, the real horror we feel when we realize he’s still crawling around out there, is the thing we don’t talk about, the man we don’t want our kids to see, the man who is worse than a million murderers, and truly a more horrifying film villain. And so I say to the reviewers, you allowed Mystic River but couldn’t pick up on the disturbing vibe of this flick?

It may not have been a more scary film than the original, but it’s a better made movie. And in fact, if you made it scarier, more violent, you’d be turning us into the victims, making us identify with them. And that’s something no one can wish on someone else.

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fixed and fooled.

March 9th, 2010 | Comments Off | Posted in Essays

So a couple of people have tried to buy books, and the button is down. If we need a refresher on why I hate PayPal, this is the 5th time I’ve had to fix the button. But it’s fixed. Who knows when it’ll happen again, but I’m just waiting until book purchases reach a level where I can afford a better store system.

I’ve decided to gripe a bit about the oscars, mostly because its fashionable to do so, but also because I felt that this year the award show finally turned into what people said it has been all the years past. I was, needless to say, bummed.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that the Oscars used to be for our entertainment. It used to open with video segments, comedy routines, musical numbers, everything. It also used to get railed on for its ridiculous length and, in being so long, failing to do its main function: be a watchable TV event. However, last year’s Oscars had everything from a fast run-time, to punchy ways to present the awards (see Tina Fey and Steve Martin reading the Screenplays, former winners discussing the merits of current best actor nominees), and a hilarious opening sequence that was both entertaining and witty. And yet I couldn’t figure out why people, up to this year, were still giving Hugh Jackman a hard time about his hosting duties.

Thankfully, the 82nd Annual Academy Awards showed me why. I was foolish to believe that the show was for us. A few things stood out to me that made me understand the media circus a little better:

1. Several red-carpet interviews revealing that the Actors are there for one another.

Cameron Diaz said “Our community is so spread out… it’s the only time we really get to see one another,” and Meryl herself even replied that her fave part of the awards is “Seeing all her friends.”

2. The best actor/actress nominees opening the show by standing on stage and waving out to the applause of their colleagues.

Sure it looked awkward, but it put the people, the “stars” nominated for the acting awards at the forefront. As a symbolic gesture, this foregrounding makes the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences function seem to lean towards the actors’ achievements, and not the films.

3. That great throwback to old-vaudeville comedy duos.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are both so very funny… however I think that their attempt to call back to a time when jokes were more obvious and duos a little cheesier could have done well with an acknowledgment of how bad their jokes were, and did something different than follow the formula of “Look, its [point to attractive star, everybody claps, say something about them.]” Alec Baldwin said “what a performance,” so many times it sounded like he was on the Family Feud (good answer! good answer!).

4. The replacement of old winners with old friends.

Last year’s presentation of the best actor and actress nominees was lead by 5 former winners in the category, appreciating the performance of the current nominees in a way that still made it about the film. This year’s inclusion of former co-workers made it more about the intangible qualities of “good friend,” and “amazing person,” something that we at home have no connection to because we only know the people through the films.

And it’s good that these people should be appreciated by friends, through friends. But is it something TV worthy? We are only connected to them through the media they produce, so why would the Academy alienate us by making it even more transparent that the show is just about them? This is more upsetting than the time Mike Myers presented the best sound editing award with the tongue-in-cheek “The outcome of this award will send shockwaves through the industry!” The joke being, that it wouldn’t, and the underlying truth that the industry is shaped by and for the people in front of the camera. Were the best original song categories not sang for the same reason?

Colbert quipped at the Grammys that the celebrity’s favourite passtimes are congratulating one another and giving each other awards. I laughed, mostly because I thought it wasn’t entirely true.

dp

you’re welcome for this.

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review of a moment: scream at the end of the Superbowl Halftime show (who are you to judge? who who, who who?)

February 8th, 2010 | 1 Comment | Posted in Essays

I knew what songs they would play going in to it. I just waited for one specific moment to see if I should cling to or abandon all hope.

I have yet to read the multitude of messageboard hate-threads deriding the Superbowl’s only halftime attraction, The Who, as a bunch of decrepit rockers too old to be good at their game. It’s always the case that people complain about the lack of movement or entertaining performance from these “old guard” entertainment acts that are meant to bridge the gap between boomer armchair-quarterbacks and their kids. It happened with The Boss last year, and people laughed at the Heartbreakers the year before. Hell, they even complained that Prince didn’t play Purple Rain.

But before we get too ahead of ourselves complaining about Roger Daltry’s tired voice and Pete Townsends occasional missed notes and chord flubs, we have to remember that any disappointment we feel, we brought on ourselves.

First, arguing the band’s current relevance is like getting mad at all the garbage in all the landfills in all the world. We built them, we keep them going. Their setlist can be read like this: “Song from Rock Band 2,” “Intro to CSI New York,” “Intro to CSI,” then “Go to the Mirror,” and finally “Intro to CSI Miami.” We can’t argue why these bands are getting asked to play, when their greatest hits catalogue has been co-opted by so many different buyers over the years that most iPod owners have the songs tagged as “TV Theme – CSI Miami,” or “Teenage Wasteland.*”

But second, and more saliently, the Superbowl demands a band that is just relevant enough to be “interesting,” like wallpaper that’s really badass but eventually becomes part of the room. The game is an example of pure spectacle; a guaranteed packed house and millions of viewers each year keep ad revenues high and tune in to watch the eleven minute game.** The remaining elements of the show, by necessity and self-preservation, must be engaging enough to keep viewers, but not so self-aware that they detract from the football itself. The moment the event becomes transparently not about football, the jig is up. That’s why we need the bands that will keep people tuned in for just enough catchy songs to fill a four-tune, 8-minute mashup.

This brings us to the scream. Me waiting with baited breath to hear that high-pitched wail that I knew would be coming. The ear-shattering scream that finishes off the pinacle record*** by the kings of the British mod scene is such a powerful and iconic moment. It is still unparalleled in terms of its epic use and it is quite possibly the reason why CSI: Miami is the most popular of the series.**** It gives me chills each time I hear it and I know I’m not alone.

As I listened to Daltry’s voice struggle to maintain some dignity at his now lower register, I realized there was no way he could possibly hit the note. He had been a little off pitch, missing some cues, and singing in a lower key in each song. My heart was already let down… then the synths began plunking.

He checked his ear monitor, the lights went out, and exploded in a burst of white as Daltry bent over at the waist and gave’r into the mic. He screamed. Loud. He did it. But he did it differently. He did it lower.

He changed the note to match his range. He gave the scream a deeper growl instead of his former high-pitched wail. Sure, it’s because he can’t hit those same notes, but he didn’t just half-ass it. He didn’t try to hit the old note and fail, and his voice didn’t crack. He made the sound less “Chris Cornell” and more “Tim McIlrath.” He made it relevant to his own register.

Those that were disappointed by the old rockers trying their best would do well to realize (as I did) that they lived up to our ludicrously impossible expectations in their own way. They can not be as youthful and energetic as we have kept them, porting their iconic memories into every truck commercial and videogame as if the actual performers were hermetically sealed from history. You ask a band to be kept alive on a few hit records and are surprised when their live show is less than it used to be; you ask them to be interesting enough to keep viewers tuned in and are shocked when they do something different with confidence and ease.

Tell me, who the fuck are you?

dp

*For the last time, It’s called “Baba O’Riley,” God. Damnit.

**According to recent study, a one hour game is in no way one hour long.

***Arguable, yes, but Who’s Next is a fantastic departure from their earlier sound.

****It can’t be David Caruso. It MIGHT be the bikinis.

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