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The Next Generation

A generation of kids that were conceived while their parents watched Star Trek: The Next Generation are coming of age. Let’s take to the streets and see what they have to say to the question: “How does it feel to know that your parents were watching Star Trek: TNG when you were conceived?”

A lot of people have been asking me that for a couple of years. I guess I’m one of the oldest of the TNG babies. I was conceived during the first appearance of the Ferengi. People think it makes me like, this, cultural milestone. I don’t know, I mean, how important can my influence be if so many parents were getting it on to Captain Picard’s voice?
- Jennifer Marlow, 24, conceived during “The Last Outpost,” Season 1

I feel like I was part of something. I’m not exactly athletic or popular, but I know that I’m part of something bigger, you know?
-William S., 17, conceived during “All Good Things…”

Why do people assume that this matters? Why must the whims of our parents be grafted onto us without our say? I’m sure the baby boomers would be plenty angry if we told them that their parents’ actions in any way influenced the people they were so why is it okay that our lives are measured against theirs? What kind of shit is that?
-Tasha Yar Davidson, 21, conceived during “Yesterday’s Enterprise”

I’ve got an art show next week you should come to.
-Spencer Elden, “The Nirvana Baby,” 20, conceived during “Remember Me”

Montel Williams Recives The Word Of “God.”

It wont surprise many of our readers to learn that ousted television monarch, the formerly sir, Montel Williams has spent the bulk of his now fifty-two year retirement wandering the boardwalks in Calcutta rehearsing his Oscar speech. Nor will it come as a great shock – at least to those who purchased copies of the limited print Early Writings of an Urban Wizard – to learn Mr Williams’ recitation, which more or less constitutes a  half century of intense mantra practiced, finally had the effect of setting his chakras into perfect alignment. Mr. Williams was bless with this brief, but intense spiritual experience earlier this week.  The noteworthy part of this story, is the profoundly unusual nature of Mr. Williams’ particular religious vision.  While most saints who under go this transformation report hearing the voices of Marry, or the Archangel Gabriel, Mr. Williams appears to have contacted the wandering spirit of the late Senator Ted Stevens, and channelled an exact, word for word recitation of the departed mans reasoned argument against the Net Neutrality Bill.

From the cell phone recording of a passer by, and for those who may not recall the exact wording of the text in question, here is a transcript of the incantation Mr. Williams’ recited while in his alleged trance.  The punctuation is my own, as derived from the cadence, and the words belong to Mr. Stevens, but the voice is on the recording undoubtedly belongs to Mr. Williams:

What the senator is talking about is allowing all of these entities that support this to provide streaming stuff going – going on the  Internet.  Now the Internet – let’s you know.  Let’s go back, the Internet started with with the concept of local to local.  Connections across the country and, you could go for Alaska but you. . .  you had to go through local connections to get there.  The industry wisely provided for streaming of, in affect a new kind of long distance, and that’s what we’ve got.  We’ve got a service that’s immune to distance.  And it’s there for the consumer.  But but when we take, and really indicate that.  Anyone that wants to use it, this system, for massive, massive communi-commercial purposes.
There’s one company now you can.  You, you sign up and you get a movie delivered to your house!  daily!  By subscription, by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it put in the mail box and you get home. . . and in your muscle you can change your order.  But you pay for that, right? This service is now going to go through the Internet and what you do is,m you just go to a place on Internet and you order your movie and guess what? you can order ten of them!  At deliver to you, and the delivery charge is free right? Ten movies streaming across that in Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet?
I just the other day got – internet  was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday. I got it yesterday!
Why?
Because you got tangled up with all these things that going on the Internet commercially.
So you want to talk about the consumer? Let’s talk about you and me. We use this Internet to communicate and we aren’t using it for commercial purposes. We aren’t earning anything by going on that Internet. Now I’m not saying you have to discriminate or you want to discriminate against those people.  I’m just saying that we haven’t seen anything yet, that indicates there is discrimination! And until you can define it, I’m opposed to the concepts that are implied by your recommendation. 
We have, if it. We have already had unfair competition. And here we have this one situation where enormous entities want to use the Internet for their purpose, to save money, for doing what they’re doing now!  They use FedEx, they use the. . . delivery services, they use the mail! They deliver in other ways. But they want to deliver fast amounts of information, over the Internet.
And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on, it’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes! And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled – and if they are filled — when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material! Enormous amounts of material.
The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says “No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the Internet.”
No, I’m not finished. I want people to understand my position, I’m not going to take a lot of time.

Om Shanti Om.

Michael Scott

Greatest Canadian 2 Candidate Ezra Levant Speaks Out Against Show’s Format

Ezra Levant isn’t happy, again.

It’s not because of the uppity attitudes of an animal right’s activist, or the plight of the Canadian worker in the face of immigration laws, but this time, it has to do with him.

Earlier this week, Levant was added to the list of nominees for the sequel to CBC’s hit 2004 show, “The Greatest Canadian.” “Greatest Canadian 2,” or GCII as it’s being called, will operate the same way its predecessor did, encouraging Canadians to vote for who they believe to be the Greatest Canadian of all time.

“Well the winner of the first was Tommy Douglas, the father of Medicare in Canada. We think we’ve got a great lineup of Canadians for the sequel,” a spokesperson from CBC said.

CBC is announcing its list one per week over a period of ten weeks with a special five-minute mini-bio airing in the middle of Season 3 of “Being Erica.” Announced so far have been group of seven painter A.Y. Jackson, the Unknown Soldier of the Battle of Vimy Ridge, and in a surprise turn this monday, Ezra Levant.

Levant, cited for his work in expository journalism and a stunningly truthful approach to issues like Omar Khadr, arts funding, and the CBC, is “often too busy interviewing and investigating to think about himself,” to quote the CBC mini-bio.

But Levant, a lawyer and conservative journalist, is not happy to be included. He sat down to talk with Wooden Rocket Press in front of a wall of books.

EL: “Isn’t it ridiculous to see the kinds of things the liberal media will create just to feed the mob?” He asked. “This show is just another attempt to grandstand liberal biases and make conservative speakers out to be demons. I mean, look who I’m on here with. A.Y. Jackson. Painter, artist, probably has never worked a day in his life and everyone is going to rally behind him and say, wait, he’s the victim. Big mean Ezra Levant, he’s the one crying for the delisting of arts funding and he’s putting guys like K.Y. Jackson over there out of business. All they want to do is paint big mean Ezra Levant to be last place to further their own socialist television bias.”

WRP: Well, I mean, you wouldn’t be last.

EL: You just watch.

WRP: No, I mean, you’d be tenth. 20th technically. To be named as the 20th Greatest Canadian of all time, that’s a massive honour.

EL: No, it’s not an honour until they start including Canadians with real opinions that reflect real issues. The Unknown Soldier is a good start, I fully support him, and hope we can identify him soon.

No word yet on the future candidates, but if it were up to Levant, he says he hears Superman’s Canadian.